Sunday, March 30, 2014
The wheel of the year is turning - slowly, yes, but inexorably. I feel it in a rejuvenation in my soul, in my spirit, in my body. It was a dreadful winter, with the introduction of a nasty new word into our collective vocabularies: Polar Vortex. The cold continues to plague us beyond the normal highs and lows for this time of year.
But I find that it is not the occasional warmer weather that invigorates me, but rather the return of the light.
No longer is it dark when I drive to work or when I arrive home. In fact, it's light until about 8 p.m. in our Northern Climes. It is in the return of longer days that I feel there is finally a light at the end of the tunnel (pun intended).
There are no leaves or green grass, but the snow is gone. There are no flowers, but I can hear the crows cawing. There is no working in the garden yet, but there are those rare days when coats need not be worn.
As with every other winter I have lived through since I was an adult, I mentally hibernated through winter. Of course I functioned on the surface - working and eating, interacting with friends and relatives, cleaning my house, taking care of my dog and even doing some enjoyable activities. However, it was all conducted on the surface. Deep down below, in Persephone's world, it was still all darkness.
But this year there was also another feeling that kept me inanimate, frozen - dead even - until the arrival of spring (meteorological spring at least). Dan passed away last March 23, just three days after the equinox. I somehow felt that I had to surpass that monumental milestone of the one-year anniversary of his death to move completely on.
This year I have gone through so much and done so many things I'd never done before. I wasn't one of those widows who could not balance her own checkbook, for god's sake, but I relied on Dan for a lot of things.
This year I fought for and won all of the benefits and payments due me and was, I think, a good steward of the insurance funds left to me. I pay my bills on time and have some savings. I had essential repairs done to the house so I can sell it for a good price if I get to that point. I prepped my car for winter and warmed it up every frigid morning. I nursed it along through its problems until it needed to be put out its misery. I purchased a new (used) car, albeit with the invaluable help of my niece and her fiancé.
In the midst of all the other turmoil, I fought hard for my jeopardized job and kept it. I attempted to have surgery, found out that I had ITP (low blood platelets), went through a lot of tests and treatment over the summer, including a bone marrow biopsy, and finally had hernia surgery at the very end of September.
I learned in January that my platelet count is normal, and though my doctor was not quite ready to declare that I am in spontaneous remission, he may do so in July.
But of all the things I endured and accomplished this past year, this is the absolute most important: I think I have finally worked through all of the anger I had toward Dan and the whole situation. More and more, my memories are not of that sick, emaciated, mean and angry man, but of the other, happy and sweet young man of our courtship, early marriage and birth of our daughter.
Time to move on toward springtime - to new garden projects, to getting a new roof on the garage, to sorting and decluttering, to cleaning and painting. In short, to sowing seeds, both literally and figuratively.